unhappy days...

Yesterday was one of my unhappiest days in my life.

Early in the morning, I revieved a call from my dad, saying my uncle is admitted to the hospital. I was like WTF!! Didn't he just came out of Institut Jantung Negara with the doctors saying he's fine? He suffered a mild stroke, cause by a burst in one of the veins in the brain. The news hit me like a tonne of bricks. It just hit me hard. I had a hard time accepting the news.

He is now in a semi-coma condition and as of now, half his body is paralyzed. I have yet to see him. I'm planning to go tomorrow, but I'm afraid I'll just burst into tears upon seeing his condition. He IS my favourite uncle all these years along. I still remember the time when I broke my leg, he came to Assunta Hospital with my favourite cartoon toy at that time. And not to mention the countless birthday presents from him.

How can this happen to him. He's no thief or robber, he did not kill anyone, WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN !!
WHY ....!!!!!

Knowing his condition now just saddens me deep down to the bone. It's a very hard moment for me. To juggle between work, friends and my uncle. In front of friends and work, I need to put up a smiley face, but deep down, I'm just suffering. I don't know how long can I keep up with this. Maybe I'll be the one to have a burst in one of my veins....if this prolongs...

The thing now is that the doctor said that he is stable, if he maintains in this condition. But if it worsens.... God knows what will happen. I can't even bear the thought of it.

Since I'm no doctor, the only thing I can do is to pray for him every night. I do hope that anyone who reads this blog just help me in just praying for my uncle. It's no obligation, I'm not asking you to pray every single moment of the day, just a thought will do. Even if it's just for 5 seconds.

Please...

perhaps .. ?

Perhaps what?
I would really fancy knowing also..
perhaps I can be taller?..
perhaps I can be smarter?..
perhaps I can be better looking?..
perhaps I can be Casanova?..
perhaps I can be a lot of things but myself

I do wish all of the above
but in reality, you are what you are
if you're fat, YOU'RE FAT..

the 'happenings' are slowly dissapearing
forget it I'm slowly doing
how successful i'm not too sure
maybe in the process, i'll die?..

time will tell as usual


 

the drive, the 'happenings', the fly

Drive as far and fast as I want to; the parking lot is the destination regardless what. Which to choose poses a problem every single time. EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME!!! Where do you want to park, drive in or reverse in, how long you want to park, to pay for the parking coupon or just leave it, to double park or not, and etc. Just when you think everything is ok, you are slap with a summon from the police for speeding. LIfe is just too unpredictable, and guess what; YOU GOT TO LIVE WITH IT REGARDLESS YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!!

Days are getting more and more boring. Friends are getting more scarce these days. It's like searching for a needle in the haystack. If there are more than 2 person having drink together, it's a bonus; really. Some are busy with work, some are busy with life partner, some with potential life partner. Like now, it's a Friday night and guess what, I'm still at home. It's been a very long time since I stayed home on a Friday night. Now, all I can say is ' I'm bored'.

By piling work in office on myself, I keep myself numb and tired. Forget what's 'happening' around I must. But, when I close the lids on my eyes everytime, the 'happenings' appears. How I wish it would have a switch whereby I can just turn it off everytime it appears. A foolish thought I know. But what can be done when we are only human.

Was in Port Dickson 2 weeks back. It was nice, but it could be better. Alone at the beach I was, thinking about 'happenings'. My time alone with the open sea and the sound of the waves were interrupted with the arrival of a few friends. Their presence did hinder my time with myself, but was overcome in matter of minutes. By then, I was just enjoying the sound of nature; waves splashing on the beach. It was one of those moments I have longed for. It did help in soothing my battle scarred brain; but the damage was too much even for nature to heal.

PD was where I can release stress with the help of an ancient chinese gambling tool; Mahjong. Lame it may sounds, try after playing for 3 -4 hours, it kinda kill more brain cells than studying the night through. Drunk was a state I intend to be in; but was rudely stopped by the thought of my tonsils. I had an infection at that time.

Fly as high as I want, but when energy or fuel is gone, I will just fall back onto ground.
By flying high, you'll fall, but with just a splat and you are dead.
By flying low, you'll be dragging yourself along the trail when you fall. More pain and much longer time for you to experience the pain. Sadly, I choose to fly low. Since this path I have already chosen, I must endure the time and pain; but to what extent I can endure, even myself I do not know. Time will tell, and I do hope it come as soon as possible as I think I can no longer endure the pain anymore.

Shy, My Downfall

*song Michael Buble - Home*


Ahh.. Sitting here in my room with the lighting strikes going all over the place while updating my blog. Nice scenario innit? Well, I really don't know what to write in this part of my update. Hmm, let try something emotional.


I'm actually a very shy guy. Especially towards girls that I fancy. Friends who knows me thinks that I'm a crazy nut who goes blabbering all over the place when little do they know about me deep inside. Friends I know have been asking me when I'm gonna get someone to share my life me for as long as I can remember. Some of them said do not deny this and that and etc. For me, it's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality that I accept. And I do think a lot of people does the same thing.


Friends did say, why shy? Just gung-ho and go. Bang the wall. Learn from experience. You ask, you'll get a 50%-50% chance. By not asking at all... well... 0%. =). For me, it ain't so easy. Theoratically, yes it's workable. Practical wise, it's really up to me and frankly, I'm just short of guts. But then again, by staying silent, the other party might not be realizing that you have feelings for him/her. That's what I do most of the time. =)


I've never been no Casanova or Valentino like some of my friends are. Bold as they are I'm not. I'm just a fat and ugly bastard who likes to keep everything in the closet. I've lost out a few due to me being silent and not pouring out my feelings like flushing meadows. But then again, it's my choice and I got to live with it regardless whether I like it or not. Definitely no one likes to be alone. So is my answer to that, a no with a capital N.

Shy as I can be, you wouldn't even be able to imagine. I can accept customers saying NO, friends saying NO, parents saying NO, to me, but the thought of some girl you fancy saying NO, that alone is enough to stop me at my tracks. Yeah yeah, my friends will want to kill me when they read this part. =). But this is a sad part of me that been living within me for the past 25 years. It ain't so easy to change. Sometimes I really do wonder if I have a Jekyll and Hyde personality which instead of Hyde, you get Casanova. =) . If I really do, then whenever Casanova is needed, I just shove him out to control me then. =). Wild imagination, but stupid idea right? Finding someone who is right is like one of human's main mission in life, and if that is not done by yourself, you deserve to be shot in the head.

Once upon a time, I can't even talk to girls I fancy. The sight of them stunned me with silence. Never have I really be able to flirt. Not that I know if I really did anyway. But thank god, I manage to change that. Still slow, but it's changing. At least I'm talking. =). Sad innit?

Let's just wait and see what the future has instore for me.

things people do..

*song currently being played "I Would Do Anything For Love - Meatloaf"*

Been around these days crashing into a few of my friend's blogs. I gotta say, it's not as pleasing as I expected it to be.

Very emotional. Good?.. Don't think so. The song i'm hearing now really suits a few of my friends. You know who you are guys. Love love love. Can't it really drive a person mad? Yes, it can break you. But to the extent as in being all down and exiling away from your friends? You must be crazy. Love above all should be the happiest thing in life that you can experience. If it's causing you sleepless nights, mood swings, no appetite to eat, can't even come out with a decent joke, then Love is not what you should venture into. Why get urself all stressed out for when everytime people say "Live A Happy Life"? Correct?

*song currently being played "No More I Love Yous - Annie Lennox"*

Enemies here... I am making. But what are friends for? Friends will kick you to the ground, but friends at times will also help you in getting up from the ground. Humans are always the worst kind of living lifeform in taking advices. Advices are always coming from every direction, regardless from whom it came from, but we never listen do we. Our ego always gets the better of us. We think we know everything there is to know but in reality, we know NOTHING. Especially when you are in a situation, you get so indulge in the situation that your mind does function as it should be. That's where friends with advices comes in. BUT NOOOO... You shooo them away with your own reasoning that your actions are correct. Ok..enough about all this shyt, time or some fun...

I've just come to realize something. And I do think every knows who are they. They are the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". Heard of them before? Yeah, I think you do. I do think that the Americans are just dumb ass. Seriously, they can't even differentiate a turtle from a tortoise. If all of you cartoon fanatics like me remember correctly, the 1st episod of Ninja Turtles, the kid was holding all for "TORTOISE" in the bowl aquarium when he felled and accidentally freed those "TORTOISE" into the sewer? Remember? Those are TORTOISE, but why do they have to call them turtles?

It's easy to differentiate a turtle from a tortoise. Turtle are those with blade like fins for legs whereas turtles have hooflike legs with claws.. Right? Maybe it doesn't sound right having "Teenage Mutant Ninja Tortoise". HAHAHA. I might be wrong, cause I'm no turtle or tortoise expert. Just my opinion anyway.

Ok ok, enough of me blabbering all over the place..

Till next time..

Cheers...

 

Hair Cut!!

Realized that my hair was getting kinda long, so went to the saloon over at SS14 to get my air trimmed. Met up with Shannon. Sat down, and the 1st thing the hairstylist asked what how do i want my hair.Since I can't make up any decision, (I went to the saloon not knowing how to get my hair cut), I told the girl, "Just cut whatever you feel that is comfortable". And so it goes, snip snip here, snip snip there. I was closing my eyes for about 80% of the time. Just want to have that feeling whereby you dunno what to expect out of that haircut.

The moment I open my eyes, OMG, my hair was shorter than those of a hamster. Hahaha. Well, she said it looks good for me if I don't comb it. Hmmm, then the longer I look at it, well, it actually looks not bad. Friends might say   something else though. I'm not the best judge of taste anyway. Then after Shannon finish styling his hair with gel and goo to make it stand, his hairstylist came over to me and said that Shannon's lucky, then saying that his friend here (me) wanna stand also cannot. She meant my hair, but Shannon was saying to the hairstylist don't say until like my friend cannot stand (he meant that I cannot sustain an erection)Hahaha, we did have a good laugh over that issue. 

Shannon, I wanna clarify here that I DO NOT have problem sustaining an erection. 

Cheers..

It's been awhile

It's been a while since I've updated my blog.

My friend Shannon asked me a question today. What's love and in love? Being blunt, I search the web and found this. The phrase 'Love' from dictionary.com means a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Hmm, how about in love? Nothing. Being in love ain't the same? I thought it always was. Well, I guess there is not so much of a Casanova or St. Valentine in me. No wonder I've spent Valentine'd Day alone. Love is a very subjective issue. Let's say, you see a guy that you like on the streets, so you call that love? You say you love the steaks over at San Francisco Steakhouse, are you supposed to have a relationship with the steak? This is all just hypothetical. Love, love, love. It's a beautiful word, but when used wrongly can create confusions. 

Let's just skip the rest of the story. Got kinda lazy to continue. I was talking to Shannon just the other dayand we've just realized that this year was a very funny year. We had ups and downs this year, not only to us, but to most of our friends. Sad to say, mostly experienced down. How sad is that? Stories of friends being this and that sometimes kinda put you down. You feel sad and down, but there is nothing you can do to help. The only thing you can do is to be a good listener. Sometimes, friends talk to you not looking for solution, but just to get a companion who is willing to listen to all of his/her problems. And I've been through a number of it just this year alone. By hearing all this, it kinda sinks into you sometimes you know. Unless you are a very very carefree person, you might be emotionally distrupted by these stories. Making you depressed and feeling down. I'm already halfway there. Sinking deeper into the abyss, not knowing what awaits u down there.

Whenever I'm down, I'll automatically think of this song. I think Julian knows this as well. You gotta s-m-i-l-e to be h-a-double p-y. I dunno why, this song just perk me up. Hahaha. 

Anyway, gotta fetch me mom from work now. Will blog again when time allows me to.

Cheers...

Good and Bad..

It's like a blink of the eye and now World Cup it's coming down to its closing stages. Teams that I've supported wasn't to be seen in the semi-finals. Teams like Spain, Argentina and sadly England. Even Brazil lost out in the quarters. That is why I'm not so keen in watching the semis.

Well that's the bad, the good is, FERRARI ARE BACK.. They basically dominated the US Grand Prix from start to finish. Leading it 1 - 2 all the way. WOOOHOOO... Schumi as usual was exceptionally good. But the best result of the day was from Massa. This shows that one a given day, Massa can clock times as fast as top group. GO MASSA.
Well, since Montoya rammed into the back of Kimi causing that 6 car melee, Kimi has more reasons to leave the Mclaren team. We're halfway through the season and yet, Kimi has not annoucned whether would he be staying in McLaren. With Alonso coming in, it is not yet known which driver in the McLaren outfit is leaving the team. Sad to say, most of the people speculates that Kimi will be leaving.

Anyway, don't care who's leaving or coming. As long as Ferrari wins.... GO SCHUMI... GO MASSA!!!!...

Cheers...